dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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