I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
