At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
