my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
