I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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