i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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