I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
