I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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