So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
This is classic penis vs brain.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
