How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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