Old men and throwing up are my life now.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
All the doctor said was why
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
