she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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