so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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