then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
