I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
