i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
