just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
