Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I think i got beer on your cat.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
