i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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