Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You dont lie about slip and slides
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
