woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
