If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
