It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Randomize
