so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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