I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
