I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
