Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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