and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
