I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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