I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
My Higher Power is John Stamos
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
