i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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