i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Threesome in a minivan. New low
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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