I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Randomize
