I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
