So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
