dude i'm inner monologue high
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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