I hope mine doesn't look like that
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
