i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
We left an ass print on the piano.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
