The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
