And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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