I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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