I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
