i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
