let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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