Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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