Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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