We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Randomize
