Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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