It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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