its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Green mimosas i think yes
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
