The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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