dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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