I looked at my own cervix.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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