Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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