Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
