And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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