I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Alive.
So much puke
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
why is half of my head shaved?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
