Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Randomize
