im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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