Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
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